I am a virgin while my boyfriend is not a virgin. My whole life I have been waiting until marriage. But I love him and I know I don’t necessarily want to wait that long (circumstances make the possibility nuptials far off) now. However I still do not feel ready yet. Until this last month he has been understanding and supportive but it seems now something has clicked it seems like he resents me and keeps bringing up that we will run out of other sexual things to do. This would be understandable if we lived together or saw each other every day but he is in the military and we see each other every 3-6 months. He luckily is not deployed as of right now but lives on base in another state. Because of this I feel like it is impossible to be bored already. I have already done more with him than I have ever done before and I feel like he is no longer respecting what big expressions of my love these acts have been. He will bring it up and it will break my heart a little which results in a discussion about his priorities and how he is sorry and that it is his own issue that he needs to work through. Tonight we decided to put a ban on sexual discussions to ensure that the conversations that upset us both don’t happen but I’m not sure how well that will work out. I kind of think we might need to consult a sex therapist because he is one extreme and seems to have recently developed insatiable needs while I am at the other extreme where I fear losing my innocence and find myself being farther away from being ready since these issues have arose. When I brought up the idea he refused to consider it. I need to find some way to help him through this so that I can resume getting closer to being ready and also to compromise otherwise I will have two choices cry every time he brings up sex or end the relationship to protect my own heart. Any advice?
For any relationship to be successful it has to be a two way street. You both need to be on the same page and have the same values and standards. You’re a virgin and your intentions are to wait until marriage or not for the right person. Sex is an expression of love and it’s also the ultimate gift to your significant other. By having sex you are opening yourself to STDs and pregnancies…you have to make sure that this person is going to respect your body and not break your heart.
Before you have having sex, make sure that you are with the right guy not a marriage license. Someone who is going to love all of the imperfection of your body, someone who is going to take it slow until you are comfortable with your sexuality; Someone who is not going to break your heart. He only sees you every 3-6 months and it’s natural that 2 partners after an extended absence be intimate. Sex is addictive and he probably needs his fix. But it does not have anything to do with your decision to stay a virgin. Until you want to have sex, he will either have to wait or cut his losses.
Talking to a sex therapist is a great idea. You need to learn your body, your private part and enjoy living. By putting a ban on all sexual discussions, you are ignoring the issue and I’m sorry but it won’t go away. After you do that, then the decision about your relationship will be an easy one to make.